Josh Quotes (All)

Here's a list of the random things my friend Josh has said over the past couple years.
No offense intended here, just random, out-of-context hilarity.

1) "I'm just going to sit in the shower for 4 hours."
2) "I don't really get pee-shy. It's a real thing - it's like stage fright."
3) "Smells like cigarettes and... Trix."
4) "Yeah, in some cases like Tommy Lee, where he has an 11-inch penis."
5) About penises: "Well, I guess if you get attacked by 20 of them at a time you'll be afraid."
6) "I didn't jack off Patrick Swayze."
7) "They bring nothing but hatefull clowns and horrible marchmallow peanuts."
8) "One of my friends told me that if you bare-ass fart on someone's pillowcase you can give them pink eye."
10) "Damn it fan, you oscillated too quickly. Plus, I'm not tall enough to fart into a fan."
11) "I don't get hard on gays."
12) "His iPod is a phone. It's not an iPhone though."
13) "What's with you and Bam Bam Biggelow?"
14) "You know what I never found hot? Those African girls with the buzzed heads."
15) "Yeah, but is 'Mark' in The Bible?"
16) "Why would you dress slutty to a wedding unless you're the bride?"
17) "Give me a loaf of-hey what's up?"
18) "Bitch, I need porn."
19) "I needs my porn. Shakespeare's got to get paid, Josh has gots to get, well, laid, I guess."
20) "My dad wasn't high! I needed to get him high."

21) "Europe is probably way more sexually active than I was."
22) "Who cares? I'm not going to remember the name of a fatty."
23) "I just wanted to touch Bob Broznan for some reason."
24) "Stupid George Forman, on the ground for some reason."
25) "I touched ass and titty of a sweet, white Pollack."
26) "I'm tired of beating off in the library."
27) "That Asian guy was a horrible John Elway."
28) "I gotta find out where I saw that gay guy before."
29) "What's that Italian place we ate at here? The Flying Caballeros?" (Buca di Beppo)
30) "I'm not football illiterate.""
31) "Not gay ENOUGH."
32) "Hey, a black girl."
33) "If I was having sex with anyone, the last person I would want in that room is Abhishek."
34) "I got soul but I don't eat soul food."
35) "I don't know why - it wasn't black hat day."
36) "I could masturbate to, like, Jurassic Park."
37) "You've never met Luigi Figeroa."
38) "I've never met anyone's parents."
39) "I hope so. She's my favorite girl in the world."
40) "If I had a little market, I'd have a sign out front that says, "Hot Dogs: 3 for $8, or something."

41) "Cheeseburgers are just as juicy as soda."
42) "And you're not supposed to hold a baseball like a penis either."
43) "The paper today had broig articels."
44) Mark: "Silly-bo-billy-banana-fanna-fo-filly."Josh: "Kill yourself."
45) "Oh, I never put deodorant on today."
46) "I don't want to grow up, I'm a Toys 'R' Us kid - molesting young boys is all that I did."
47) "Just because it doesn't seem like a big deal - but now it's one of those things that I say I've done it, so i can know what I'm talking about ... like sex at 17... that's not real."
48) "She's a woman, she has no class."
49) "Some day, I want to drink liquid cocaine... I heard it's good."
50) "Like, you know when i kept losing? How i was complaining? Imagine a Jewish, New York school girl times 10 added to how I was complaining."
51) Josh: "What is it, the E. Honda thing from Street Fighter?Mark: "It's the Tibetan flag."Josh: "I was close."
52) "I think I want to do two nose hairs..."
52) "You've been down too long, on a man."
53) "I just wet your bed."
54) "I got hit by a midget down there."
55) "I want to give a stripper tips in coins."
56) "I was doing homework also. But I stopped because Mexico sucks."
57) "My butthole has never been opened in a shower."
58) "When I was little I used to want to live in Disneyland."
59) "I'm just going to promote white power."
60) "I already saw Mark without his shirt on..."

61) "It's funny, because 'Baywatch: The Movie' did come out a couple years ago... to a gay audience."
62) "I've had so much Dew, I'm out of sperm."
63) "Yeah, I'm listening to some dumbass Mejicans talking...you know, from Mejico."
64) "It's a baseball belt. I used to use them to choke girls with."
65) "Whenever I used to think of Erika from Athletics, I would think of gorillas."
66) "I'm people, look at the color of my skin!"
67) "So I was spanking it into a Dixie cup..."
68) "Oh well, it's just meat spin again."
69) "Break free and get AIDS?"
70) "The best ending would have been getting semen all over your face."
71) "George Washington Carver, the inventor of peanuts..."
72) "I need a penis inside me right now!"
73) "Well i mean, its like, my friends and my other friends. I try to keep them apart, but that damn Biggie Smalls brings them together."
74) "So I'm thinking of trying a chocolate exlax. You know, just for fun."
75) "It's gonna be more like this: 'Ma'am, open up your purse, I need to see if you stole anything'... 'I DIDN'T'...'that's a raping.' And then... I rape them."
76) "I wonder how much one makes for working in the gay industry."
77) "I'll have to tag team with Alan. And yes, I'm aware of the words I just used."
78) "Is it Kelly Clarkson, like you had on yours, you faaag?"
79) "So I went to this place in Corona called Pole Position... guess what it WASN'T."
80) "And do you give them the nickname because they can't give you a (expletive) well?"

81) "So you drove a car like a Mexican? Except it was all one color, and registered under your name?"
82) "I do have a good imagination... I have masturbated without a TV anywhere around me."
83) "I would have sex with that girl... and then have sex with Hellen Keller."
84) "I want to be a plastic surgeon just so i can mess with people's vaginas."
85) "Come out and get gaaayyys."
86) "That's like a 17-foot penis... hold on, I'm not done looking at it!"
87) "Suicide is awesome."
88) "I like Chris Angel, I like, I like Chris Angel."
89) "You know, other people can walk on water."
90) "I used to watch a lot of porn... oh, wait."
91) "Girls like Rambo, dont they?"
92) "Butt-Pirates of the Carribean? Or The Notebook?"
93) "I was thingking of fag-dragging all day."
94) "It doesn't say 'Christ' in my Bible."
95) "Your guy is in the middle of a four-way black orgy."
96) "That was picked like a nose."
97) "You can never have too many Hitlers."
98) "I tried Candy Man and Bloody Mary when I was a kid... I got DRUNK as hell!"
99) "Yeah, I was complaining when your penis went into me..."
100)"Anyway you want it, that's the way you need it, anyway you want it!"

101) "Hey squirrel, hey squirrel, you look like a rabbit."
102) "Magneto would be the worst gynocologist ever."
103) "I've always had a crush on the Pink Ranger."
104) "I just stripped down to my boxers for about 30 bitches. Why did you call me? Wanna go to Starbucks?"
105) "Buttsex. Arm bands? Like those livestrong ones? I dunno."
106) '"I don't like these orange pants. I get lost in their dazzle."
107) "Bless the blacks, bless the Jews, and why the hell not, bless the Chinese too."
108) "How long do you think it would it take for me to go in there and rape every one of them?"
109) "I stabbed myself in the leg with a fork. Well, not a fork, a pencil."
110) "I want to move to Ohio and buy a steamboat. Do you see where I'm going with this?"
111) "He's been in school for 12 years, and that's just this year."
112) Mark: Inner-ear infection? Josh: "No, not my stomach."
113) "I have to piss like a Japanese mailman… or a pregnant Jewish horse."
114) "I don't hate Asians that much."
115) "You're the only person who lives here whose name doesn't begin with an 'M'." - Josh, talking to me about myself and my three roommates: Alan, Ahmed, and Arya.
116)"So, what's your major?"
117) "That's the gayest thing you've ever done. Draw on my legs with pen and hold my ankles."
118) "That's why I want to be a peer mentor. You get a free Apple Computer. Screw helping the kids."
119)"I had six Easy Macs today. I had an Easy Mac, and then was like 'now what should I do?' So I had an Easy Mac." 120) "Ok, bring in the Weekly World News. We'll use the first three articles, except put the words 'Former Spartan' in front of 'Alien has baby with Britney Spears' unborn dad'."

121) "I love the Renaissance."
122) "Macbeth is Shakespeare's Hamlet."
123) "I will go out of my way to sleep on a leaf that looks particularly crunchly?"
124) "He used to be a panther. And then he became a black guy."
125) "My dream is to become a stripper in Hawaii."
126) "What swear starts with a C and has thirteen letters?"
127) "Oh Asian, oh Asian, why ya treat me so mean? You're the dumbest old Asian that I've ever seen. But if your last name is Oh. You gotta hit the road and go."
128) "Your name is highness, I got some things... it might be marijuana."
129) "This girl was like, 'Man my woman's studies class sucks,' and I was like, 'Duh'."
130) "Whenever I talk to things like dogs or babies..."
131) "Something happened to me today in English class that has never happened before. My penis fell asleep."
132) "Get out of Ohio."
133) "Earl Warren was a prosecutor and a prostitute..."
134) "World War I is over?"
135) "There's no water in Arizona; anywhere."
136) "Well I was talking about the sumo wrestler, and I had never seen a hairy Asian before."
137) "I went to a lesbian house party yesterday."
138) "Manatee? What the heck are you doing here? Oh, wait, not manatee... sting ray! Sting ray, what the heck are you doing here?"
139) "You don't put your mouth on this thing, ya know?"
140) "I hope they all fall and die."

141) "Too homosexual or too racist..."
142) "Intercourse, ahh."
143) "How can fat people be good guys?"
144) "I got to take a picture of that guy's head."
145) "There wasn't a KFC there, but there was hot dogs and nachos there."
146) "If we end up #3 in the nation, I'll do something that involves Eiffel Towers."
147) "All food is good... well most of it."
148) "Go into the girl's bathroom and get your own hot dog."
149) "I still wanna know how wood gets up there."
150) "I was like, damn that bitch is bangin'."
151) "Body hair and underwear."
152) "It should be frozen beans!"
153) "Ok peanut butter, it's time to put you away."
154) "Those are Saturnights. I'm talking about Saturdays."
155) "That is a hot, hot man."
156) "I didn't ask 'Why did you buy those two Vietnamese strippers?'."
157) "If I was in prison, I'd kill someone... I mean, like if you went to a fancy hotel, you're probably gonna steal stuff... because you're never gonna be there again, and... that's not a very good analogy."
158) "I mean, I've read a book, but not a Harry Potter book."
159) "Yeah! If you're workin' at the... the uh.. oh what is it called... damn it."
160) "You better move all those surfers out of the way to make room for Non-Employee of the Month... (You mean customer of the year?)... Oh yeah that's what I meant!"

161) "He's a mix of Van Wilder, and, you know what I like about high school girls?"
162) "Bubblegum cigarettes are the awesomest"
163) "Just like pogs. Pogs are coming back... I hope."
164) "I had a crush on someone in first grade."
165) "I like vienna sausages, but they have to be crocker-potted for while."
166) "Look at all these naked indians."
167) "My mom asked that big apple for directions."
168) "I don't really care about cancer, or black kids, or Lance Armstrong."